19/05/12

I feel slightly indifferent today, almost sorry for myself and I’m not sure why. People just bother me, I guess. Conversely, I had a fantastic time last night for Carla’s birthday, just a shame she had to leave this morning due to a severe hangover! Since she has gone I’ve tidied my room and made cheese on toast for everyone in the house, then just got back in bed. I think I want to sleep some more.

I hardly have any days to myself where I am doing absolutely nothing, so I am absolutely revelling in the fact that today is one of those days. However, there are too many things I have been piling up “to do” when I got the free time, so I have a stack of movies and a stack of books and only one day ahead of me - which I will probably use to sleep. 

I think I will do some reading first, nap later. I am going to a 30th birthday party tonight with people from my degree, which will be lovely as I haven’t seen them since before final hand in. Carla’s actual birthday tomorrow too, so I will get to spend some more time with her :)

It ain’t all bad I guess.

28/04/12

Bored and lonely on a horrible, rainy day with nothing ahead of me but a looming pile of essays and hours and hours at work… Best get some work done then.

‘The Presidents Burger’ & Cocktails at Arbuckles American Restaurant last Sunday.

21/04/12

It’s 18 days until the final dead line of my second year. It’s gone so quickly, and the fact that next week is our last week of ‘official’ lectures devestates me. I am seriously going to be so lost over the summer, as I have roughly 6 months off. 

Before I worry about that, however, there is the small case of 3 and half essays left looming over me, that I desperately need to complete. I have found them so boring this term. The presentations were great fun, but the written work is so hard going. I find that writing essays sometimes can be really detrimental on my confidence regarding how much I feel I know/how good I am at the subject. And my vocabularly suddenly becomes ridiculously small, and I use the same connectives repeatedly….

But enough moaning, and time to start doing. I have already managed to procrastinate from 7:00am this morning by having a huge clean out in my room, watching TV, eating two breakfasts, and pondering cleaning my car. So here is attempt number 3 at getting some more work done, I’m just going to bash it out….

Things today;

• Clean out car
• Have a bath/hairwash/face mask
• Lunch
• Paint my nails
• Pick Chris up from work
• Buy dinner
• Back home to cook said dinner & watch a movie

Being at home today has been nice, ahhhhhh :)

30/03/12

So, again, a huge amount of time has passed since I’ve posted anything of substance here. I rarely ever use my laptop anymore, because I’m just never at home anymore! It’s somewhat liberating to know that life is actually good without the excessive use of the internet though.

I am beyond looking forward to a well earned day off tomorrow, and it’s going to be spent with my boyfriend - we hardly ever get to spend an actual day together - so that will be lovely, and hopefully I will go and snuggle Carla in the evening.

We went out last night to Bar Red to see a show, it was my boyfriend’s first show with his new band and it was actually incredible (of course I would say that, but really it was) and I am so so so proud of him and all the other boys for what they pulled out, and for the feedback they got too. 

So here I am taking some time to browse the internet, and I have come to the conclusion that I have missed absolutely nothing. Bye! 

17/03/12

I haven’t updated this in ages, apologies.

I am probably more busy right now than I ever have been in my life! I’ve picked up loads of extra hours at work, juggling that with my degree and the huge influx of work I’ve just received from that, and I am now doing a mentoring course at Norwich Prison. So that’s pretty much taking up all my free time. 

As much as I am enjoying all of that, I have had no time to myself lately. I desperately need a few chill out days and some time to get on with college work. However, first I am going to London on Monday, and hopefully will return with a shed load of fabulous clothes. Then the study shall commence! 

Tonight Carla is coming over and we are going to Nandos for dinner, then back to mine for some general catch ups. Work tomorrow, then a Mother’s Day dinner with the fam at mine. Should be nice! I’ve missed posting on here, hopefully I won’t leave it so long next time. 

I just bought one of these. I have an obsession beyond normality with my uni books being really neat and tidy, and all my notes being just so. Everyone winds me up for it so I thought I could prove them wrong by making a mess of this, in a creative way!

Today something clicked with me. I haven’t been feeling myself lately, and I’ve struggled a lot with my course work load which has been running me down, because my course means everything to me and I don’t want to feel like I’m giving up. But something happened and I have just got this huuuuuge spurt of enthusiasm. I have set out in my head how I’m going to tackle everything and it doesn’t seem so bad. I have got myself onto a course at Norwich Prison starting next week to do mentor training, applied for three volunteer jobs (victim support, appropriate adult, and young persons mentor), and I’m generally feeling better about everything.

As for my current job, as much as I moan about it, I want to be the best I can while I’m there. I’m good at what I do and at the moment, a very important member of the team. I’m trying to regain my enthusiasm and throw myself into that too, to prove that I can be counted on, and increase my confidence and responsibility.

All in all, positive changes are happening and fingers crossed, so will positive outcomes. Karma and all that. x

NSAJBDFJSVUGKD

I AM SO FUCKING ILL

I FEEL SO SHIT

EVERYTHING HURTS

EVERYTHING IS BURNING UP

EVERYTHING FEELS WOOZY AND DIZZY

WHY IS EUTHANASIA ILLEGAL

URRRRRRRGGHHHHHHHHH

I thought I would feel better today but no such luck. I feel absolutely horrendous. Was awake most of last night being generally delirious/extremely nauseous/everything else. Had the best nurse ever in the form of Chris, who was an absolute sweet heart and really sympathetic towards me. 

I’m opening & closing work tomorrow 8:30-6:00 and I think it might just be the worst day of my fucking life

26/02/12

I feel somewhere quite beyond rough right now, but I am happy nonetheless :) I am yet to decide whether it is the alcohol from last night, lack of sleep & food, dehydration, or I am getting a cold. 

I really hope it’s not the alcohol, because although I drank more last night than I usually do when I go out, it wasn’t exactly a lot, and if this is how I feel after that it’s a pretty pathetic attempt to say the least. Perhaps my self diagnosed intolerance to alcohol isn’t so far off… either that or I am just a hopeless drinker. But I tried!

All in all it was a good night with some good people and of course my loveeeeeeely boyfriend, who I spent the whole day asleep/in bed/cuddling with until I took him to work earlier. I had a little feast when I got home because I was so so hungry, but now I just feel quite sick. I am on the sofa with a huge mug of tea and my duvet, deciding which film to watch. ‘She’s The Man’ was on TV earlier and it reminded me how much I love cheesey predictable movies. On that note, I am going to choose one. Good evening all!

19/02/12

Trying to desperately to get some reading done. I go back on Tuesday and I’ve got presentation prep tomorrow, and I am definitely beyond unprepared for it all. I said that I wouldn’t leave all my reading until Sunday, but alas, here I am. 

Social Divisions is probably the worst module I have ever taken - unfortunately it was compulsory - but my god, I have never been less interested in anything in my life. Still, I’m powering through at the moment and long may this spurt of motivation continue. It makes it a whole lot worse when I speak to the girls and they’re already half way through the first essay/planning their individual presentations. Oyyyyy. 

I feel like I haven’t learnt anything this semester, probably due to the fact we got back and had 3 weeks of lectures and then had a half term. At least that’s what I’m hoping can be to blame for my complete lack of absorption. 

I had a pretty good weekend, though. Friday night I went to Bar Red with the boy to meet some friends, and we never go out together, so hopefully this will be the start of more nights to come, I really enjoyed myself. Yesterday I attempted to read, but instead did nothing and offered to babysit my cousin, which seemed like a much better idea at the time. Yesterday evening I went over to Downham to catch up with Jack, Brendan, Sadler and Carla, which was lovely. Woke up around 12pm today and sat with everyone for a bit before I came home earlier. I watched Mighty Joe Young when I got in, and although I’ve seen it hundreds of times, it made me cry!

And that brings me to now. Coffee & old Justin Bieber albums are my fuel for the rest of the day, or at least until my mother returns home to feed me the cottage pie she has promised. Enjoy your Sunday everyone!

Crap mood

I’ve been in infinite pain all day, eaten so much shit food it’s unreal, I look disgusting, everything has annoyed me, I’ve felt all whiney and upset for no particular reason, I have a shit tonne of college work to do, and I miss my boy so so so so much. Going to have a bath, need a cuddle :(

Hmph :(

I have just got home after only setting out to spend a night with the boy about 2 hours ago. Originally, I was staying over and we were spending tomorrow together, then he found out he had to work. Still, we would get to spend to tonight together. Anyway, about 15 minutes after I got there he got a call saying he had to go into work as soon as possible, and because of his stupid contract, he had to go. It’s so hard being with someone who works such long hours (he mainly does night shifts, usually about 60-70 hours a week) and not knowing when they’re going to get called in etc. Looks like we won’t be able to see each other for a week or so now, wah wah waaaaaaaaah. *Whingey girl post of the year*

So, for anyone who cares…

After 5 years of complicated feelings, misunderstandings, misfortune, attempt & failure, a long term relationship each, distance, ups, downs, and a whole catalogue of unexplainable emotions, I am super, super, incredibly happy to say that I am now (finally) with the person who I have wanted to be with since I was 14 years old. 

I don’t want to get too soppy and cliché, but for anyone who is interested, here’s what happened. We met on the first day of year 10, having been at the same school from the beginning but never spoken. I think we kind of instantly hit it off and shortly ended up “going out with each other” as kids do. Unfortunately, we were just kids and really had no idea what we were doing so decided to stay friends, best friends at that. 

As naive as those feelings may have been, they never went away, and we would always find each other at parties etc., and crawl into bed with each other, not saying or doing anything, just knowing. So this went on for a while, until he got into a long term relationship, one which ultimately stopped him from speaking to or seeing me for the entire duration. It was devestating, but I began to just resent instead of miss him as the time passed. Soon enough, I also fell into a long term relationship, and that was that. 

I think in those two years we may have spoken a couple of times, at the most. It was so strange not knowing what to say to someone who I could have never imagined being with out. I know one time we spoke, we crossed paths on a bus, on an evening when my boyfriend at the time was being particularly nasty and vindictive. It was at this point I realised his relationship had ended, and there he was, witnessing mine crash violently onto the rocks too. I know he didn’t like to see me so upset, and we spoke for a while, and all the anger I had towards him for ignoring me just disappeared. 

Several months on (July 2010), we began speaking on Facebook, discussing our birthdays - they are 2 days apart - and suggesting that we should meet for drinks. So that’s exactly what we did. That evening could not have been more perfect. We talked endlessly, and we both had a huge wave of realisation sweep over us. We had missed each other so much. Eventually, he began to invite me over to his house, and we would stay up til ridiculous hours watching crappy movies, usually talking over them while we caught up some more, and soon I was going round 3-4 times a week. I started to feel so strongly about him, and I sensed that he felt the same. After about an hour of me stumbling over my words and generally being a nervous wreck, I plucked up the courage to kiss him, and thankfully, he kissed me back. It felt completely right, and I was so happy to have him back at last. 

Here’s where I made a big mistake. As much as I was happy with what had happened, it freaked me out too. I had just come out of a serious relationship, and I didn’t want him to be a rebound. I wasn’t scared of my feelings towards him, I was scared of not being able to give myself to him completely, and ruining something that we had only just got back. Stupidly, I backed off, I didn’t know how to explain what I was feeling, and it’s something I regret big style. I know I really hurt him, but he knows I am sorry, and he understands why I did what I did - when I finally managed to explain myself. 

Naturally, for a while after this, things weren’t the same. We saw each other on and off, mainly because I had become friendly with his housemates, and went to visit them too. We still spoke frequently, and I definitely still had feelings for him. I couldn’t bare to see him with anyone else, but I knew what I had done was wrong, and wasn’t sure that he would want to be involved with me again. Months passed and as always, healed the wounds, and we spoke more and more, and my feelings didn’t go away. He was always in the back of my mind, when I was faced with any situation in which I could have started something with another guy, he was there. 

On the 13th August (2011) I went to a local bar to see a show, and he was there. I spoke to him throughout the night, casually, and it was really nice to do so. His ex girlfriend was there too, and seeing her draped all over him made me so angry. As the night went on, and I spoke to him more, I knew I had to say something. Enough time had passed not from me being stupid, and I needed to take responsibility for how I was feeling. Even if it all went wrong, I though, at least he will know. I decided to wait and ask him to see me alone, as this was neither the time or the place for such confessions.

The next day, I could barely wait to tell him how I was feeling. It’s extremely unlike me to do anything via text, but I just couldn’t hold it in any longer. Several hours and several pages of text later, I sent a message, loosely detailing what was going on and explaining that I would need to talk to him in person if he wanted to hear more. He had gone to Sheffield for a few days, so the suspense was awful, but he had agreed to see me, I just had to wait. When I went round his house, I had little but set foot in the door before I started to gush everything. I understood it was a lot for him to take in and promised him that he could have as much time as he needed. I also reassured him that there didn’t have to be an answer, or a response, I just needed to tell him how I felt. 

Luckily for me, everything I said was taken well. It turned out, that he had been feeling exactly the same, totally forgave me for what had happened last year, and wanted to make a proper go of things. Of course, I was beyond ecstatic, and we immediately arranged some time to start meeting up. Just like before, conversation over movies came so easily, endless cuddles and kisses and days in bed were spent, and it finally felt like all the pieces had fit into place.

However, a couple of months down the line, for reasons to this day neither of us can understand, we began to drift apart. Visits would become less frequent, texts would go unreplied, and we became totally detached from what each other was doing. This resulted in a huge rift - primarily because we didn’t deal with the tiny issues when they were arising, and they inevitably built up - and we spend around 2/3 weeks almost completely apart. I was devestated, that we had tried to make things work and they didn’t. It was the biggest anti-climax of all, and he was the last person I ever imagined it would happen with. 

Reconciliation came in the form of him and my two friends moving house at the end of November, and me helping out. On the last day of moving he was there - he had been at work previously - and we completely blanked each other, which was probably one of the most upsetting things in the whole picture. Again, I decided it simply needed to be bashed out, off our chests, and either sorted, or at the very least heard. I followed him up to his room, where - I was suprised to see - he happily let me in and agreed to talk. Being the kind of stumbley, awkward people we are, very little was explained, but we understood each other and that’s what was important. We had several more of these lengthy, serious discussions before the air was completely clear. 

Feeling I had said everything I wanted to, and heard most of it too, I suggested that we started to hang out, as friends, without any pressure or label or serious conversation involved. We decided that one of the big problems last time was that we generally just stayed in/around his house, almost to the point where it was awkward to go out together. So with this in mind, we made a concious effort to go out. It was the week before Christmas, and we decided to go for a drive. Nothing overly exciting, but we were out for several hours and had loads to talk about. Afterwards, we both agreed that it was a really enjoyable evening, and the most fun/laughs we had had in a long time. We continued to stay in touch texting and calling each other, and met up again just after Christmas. We stayed in this time, and I convinced him to watch My Girl (on the condition that I watched Sherlock Holmes) and we had lots of cuddles, which was lovely. 

Again, we both agreed that this was really nice, and if things carried on this way, it would work out fantastically. And it did. Eventually I stayed round again, and we kissed - which kind of sealed the deal - and soon it became a more than regular occurrence. We still continued to make a conscious effort to go out more, for dinner, walks, drives - anything, but staying in this time was just as good too. We agreed we would take this as a completely fresh start, not think about what went wrong before, but only focus on everything that was so right now. 

So that brings me to now. The above has continued, and it seems to be getting better every single week. I can hardly explain how happy I am to be with him now, all the general phrases in that discourse never seem to do it justice. The main thing I love about it, is that when I am with him, I am more ‘me’ than ever. I feel at my very best when I am around him. We have a huge amount of mutual respect for each other, and we are identical in so many ways, but so different in others. Over the time, we have received so much skepticism when anything has happened between us, but I absolutely knew it could work out.

I adore him, and he adores me. It’s incredible to be with someone I have known for 5 years, someone who I have always, always had a gut feeling towards. And even though we have a history, we are still learning new things all the time. It feels strange to know that someone has captured my heart again, but I guess in a way, he has always slightly had it. I genuinely believe that we are perfect for each other, and if this can work, there’s hope for everyone else too. 

There’s a huge amount more I could say about it all, but I don’t want to risk getting any more soppy than I already have. I promise, you won’t hear about it too much. I am quite a private person when it comes to relationships, EXCLUDING JUST NOW, but, I just wanted to share something good with ‘everyone’. Plus, I kind of wanted to document the whole thing for my own reference too. 

So there you go kids! If you read all that, you deserve a medal. 

Things!

• Today has thus far been productive, I have done all my notes & readings for tomorrow & Friday’s lectures.
• I am about to have a full on pamper - bath, skin, nails, hair etc. and make myself look wonderful (?) with all my new makeup.
• I am watching The Breakfast Club for the first time ever. I hope it’s good!
• Tonight should be nice.
• I am happy with everything right now, fingers crossed.
• My insatiable appetite has made a re-appearance. I am SO hungry.
• This has been a post.